I struggle with
the word “enough” because I don’t feel like I have it. I don’t have enough time
to accomplish everything on my to-do list. I don’t have enough energy to make
dinner after working all day. I don’t have enough motivation to go on a run. I
don’t have enough creativity left in the tank to paint. I don’t have
enough care for the concerns of other people. I don’t have enough emotional
capacity to meet the needs of my husband. I don’t have enough direction to
create a five-year plan. I could go on (and on), but that’s enough “enough” to
make my point.
When I read these words back to myself I feel full of lack and emptied of drive, drawn to
identify with phrases like “Give up” and “Quit trying.” Am I the only one who’s
been there before? Am I the only one that continues to dive into those
dangerous waters today, despite the goodness and the grace that my Father has
lavished upon me?
We live in an
unprecedented time of comparison. The magazine ads and the Victoria’s Secret
Fashion Shows and the “I only wear mascara and Chapstick to look this good”
celebrity interviews are still out there, and they can still trigger feelings
of inadequacy. But now we’re competing with other “everyday” people whose
“everyday” experiences look like a homemade soufflé and a line of paper
goods and a c/o designer handbag and a Starbucks cup held up in front of the
Eiffel Tower, probably with a fashionable baby somewhere in the mix. Now we’re
not just keeping up with Susan Jones—we’re peering into her Pinterest-perfect
backyard barbeque that’s decorated with stringer lights and mix-n-match Kate
Spade dinnerware. Now we’re longing for another woman’s life as portrayed on
her Instagram feed, battling doubt and despair and the pang of a deep heart
hunger.
It’s hard to handle the pressures of work
and home and life, and it’s even harder when you feel like you have to post an
effortlessly-chic photo of yourself while doing so. I want to crawl into a hole sometimes
when I look at a photo of a gorgeously uncluttered desk with an open planner
and a steaming cup of coffee held by a manicured hand, topped off with
a caption that says, “Let’s do this, Monday!” Because meanwhile, I’m sitting at
a desk overflowing with papers, no makeup on,
probably not even wearing a bra yet, and carrying the load of so much
carry-over work from last Friday that I just want to scream, “Where are you,
weekend?”
I know that sounds
like I’m jealous, and that’s probably because a lot of times I am. I crave that
feeling of having it all under control that it looks like so many other women are able to attain…at least on social media. Does
anybody feel me on this? When my
scrolling thumb gets out of control, I start to drown. When I read my
Twitter feed more regularly than the Word of God, I start to lose perspective. I start
to feel like I’m just not enough. That I never will be.
In a way, I’m right—my inability to meet the needs of myself and others has proven that I am not enough.
But I do have Enough. I have the One who can meet every need, every heart’s
cry, and every desire of every person on the planet. The One who whispers in my
ear that I am seen and known and fully loved, anyway. The One who has picked me
up and carried me when I have fallen, who has given me my identity, who has set
my feet on a Rock, who has told me to fix my eyes on Him and not on everyone
and everything else that’s swirling around me. The One who says, “…fear not,
for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen and help you, I will uphold you with My righteous
right hand.” (Is. 41:10) The One who has “dealt bountifully” with me, who
has “delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling”
that I may “walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” (Ps. 116:7-9)
Jesus says,
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
(Matt. 8:28) Rest. It’s available. But I won’t find it by staring at a list of things
I haven’t accomplished, or counting the number of unanswered emails in my
inbox, or dwelling on my performance or appearance or reputation. I find it by coming to Him.
I relate to
David when he says, “You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek You; I thirst for
You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no
water.” (Ps. 63:1) This is what the combination of heart hunger and soul thirst feels like. And
here’s what it looks like to be filled; to have Enough:
“I have
seen You in the sanctuary and beheld Your power and Your glory. Because Your
love is better than life, my lips will glorify You. I will praise You as long
as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with
singing lips my mouth will praise You. On my bed I remember You; I think of You
through the watches of the night. Because
You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your right
hand upholds me.” (Ps. 63:2-8)
I have a new
name for Jesus; for who I am fighting for Him to be in my life from this day forward. He is More Than Enough for me.
